he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
