he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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