it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
