I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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