Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize