her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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