she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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