When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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