True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
