So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
