I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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