im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's official drugs can't kill me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
