i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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