I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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