it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
