I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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