accomplished twins. life is a go
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
