Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
