did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
