M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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