Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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