I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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