those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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