She is in my trunk
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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