I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
