I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
