So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
