It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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