I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
