i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
