I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
