Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
