anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
