Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
