Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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