I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
