theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
