What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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