turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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