What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you win again, gameday.
I just gift wrapped bread.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Randomize
