You made me cry and you don't even care
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
