the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you made out with another girl for some wings
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
