Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
either way he was missing a nipple.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
