he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
