The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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