I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
