She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
