Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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