u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize