It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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