Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize