You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
