How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
