Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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