i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
