pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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