You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
