Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
