Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
