I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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