My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
